letters to a beloved savior i struggle to come to know and love.
Dear Beloved,
I enjoy sweet worship songs this afternoon and I realized how much I missed staying in your presence like this. I missed thinking of just you. I missed spending time sharing life with you to others. I miss Zeteo.
Please break down the walls that have slowly started to rise and surround me because of how much stress and anxiety I have been experiencing. Break them down and allow me to experience the unforced rhythms of grace again. Pull me closer so that you can be more real in my life.
Love,
Soleil
Dear Beloved,
As the day ends today, thank you for the strength you have given me to manage myself and continue functioning despite everything that has happened and continues to happen. You’ve opened a window for me this afternoon by showing me an opportunity to work in an environment that is hopefully more empowering.
Please take me to the place where I can be more alive, more fruitful, more peaceful, more happy.
Love,
Soleil
Dear Beloved,
My heart broke last night. It’s that similar kind of ache when you led me to love a ministry and that hearts that beat within it. It’s that similar kind of ache when you led me away to go off in a search for the person you want me to be. It’s that similar kind of ache when you gave me young companions who you said would journey with me for a lifetime.
But what’s different about this ache is that it’s an ache resulting from that painful effort to trust only to fall and break again. But what’s different about this ache is that I will not let it keep me down. For this time Beloved, I will let You define how I will ache. I will let You call out my tears and pick up my fall. For this time Beloved, I will stay where I am and wait so that I will come to know the reality of Your everlasting arms.
Love,
Soleil
“ For to not feel loved, or useful, has to be the root of all neuroses—particularly the neuroses of the modern age, with its technology, its dehumanizing speed, it’s profound sense of existential exile—and by asking those weaker than us for help, and praying for them as well, we close the circle in a new way.
— Heather King, Shirt of Flame
Dear Beloved,
The past week has been such a burden compared to the last. I’m void of companionship especially in the most difficult of situations. I feel like I have nobody to talk to. Nobody to rely on. And the one who says that I can rely on him is most often absent as well. Today instead of going to watch a worship concert, I have chosen to stay home and nurse this weight inside my chest. This feeling of abandonment. This feeling of unmet longings.
I found myself watching the movie of St. Rita of Cascia. It’s one of those spiritual films sold outside the entrance of the church. It’s a 4 hour film at most and I found myself resonating with it entirely. I’ve know of St. Rita’s story since I was in grade school. She was the only saint I’ve read about that didn’t start as a nun. She was married and had sons. It was only when they all died that she had entered the convent. Ive always thought my life felt similar to hers. The way she loved throughout her difficult marriage. The tragedy of her husband’s death. The painful loss of her children to a sickness she couldn’t heal. She was known to be good with healing sick people through her knowledge of herbs. She served in the Augustinian convent and found her love for the faith through the guidance of the mother superior. But the contradictions of her life showed the intensity of her love. To the point of feeling despair.
But You were relentless. In all Your paradoxical ways she found herself at the edge. It’s painful and beautiful to witness. And tonight I wonder if you’re doing the same to me. Stirring love in my heart for people that You will only take away. Tonight I keep myself indoors because I feel weakened by this weight. I watch all the conflict in the world from where I stand and there is so much. Too much. To enjoy life’s pleasures feel so wrong when there is so much wrong that hasn’t been made right.
My boss and wife and their relationship that affects the growth of the business. Their daughter and her issues that manifest in behavior so self-centered it can be suffocating. My surrogate family who I have raised the past 3 years supporting them with finances and career opportunities so that they can stand. Commitment of a life long journey with them now gone. My parents who will both get operations this month and the next. My dad for a minor laparoscopy in 2 days and my mom for an incisional hernia a week before Christmas.
How can I bear all this weight? And where can I see You in all this? Speak to me Beloved and if You must strike me down for this rising vehemence, then do so. Just make me understand.
Love,
Soleil
Dear Beloved,
This weekend you have given me so many revelations. It started as I have blogged yesterday over breakfast. I finally admitted to myself and to my mom that I wanted to start a small business. I want a bookshop. I want a bookshop that provides people who are like me the opportunity to buy titles that are not easily available here. I want the bookshop to not just sell books but to also be a vehicle to communicate and make people aware about the beauty and the riches of our faith. It was through books and other written work of your faithful that drove me to partake of this relentless pursuit for the authentic life. I realized, nothing will ever truly be authentic unless You are part of it.
Sitting 5 hours in that meeting last Friday made me realize how far the company is from transforming into a progressive and mature organization. There are just too many hang-ups and until those hang-ups are dealt with, it will be very hard to move forward. I do not have regrets and I am not saying I am leaving already right now. Who knows? You might still have something up your sleeve. All I’m saying is that, there is something more than sitting on the sidelines watching grown-ups battle their brains out over something that lacks the luster and the depth of a cause that is worthy to drive ourselves to the brink of our human effort. If I have to drive myself like a mad man and be a workaholic, I’d rather work for You Jesus. I’d rather spend every minute and every waking hour doing something that is clearly and specifically for You. Not cloaked in some hidden motive or intention. I want it clear. I work for the Lord. I work for the Church.
I realized that so much of my time has been wasted developing skills that serve something else. My parents’ wishes. My MBA degree. My fear of not having stable income. I thought to myself that if nobody can be my benefactor and can’t support my social endeavors, then I’d have to earn that money first before I can get in on it. But until when? I’m turning 3 years old in this company and I’ve poured out so much of my time that I’m already exhausted beyond measure. The success and the breakthrough doesn’t seem to be clearly in sight and I’m really worried that I’m on the wrong ship.
I want that bookshop and other small businesses that can give me the income I need for my causes. I want to be able to give jobs to young people who need it. I want to be able to discover young people who have talent and enjoin their dreams to mine so we can built a better world. I want to work for hope. I want to see hope everyday. I want to end strife.
Beloved, I want to see You in action. It’s been too long. Please call me.
Love,
Soleil
Dear Beloved,
The long weekend is almost ending and every inch of me resists a great deal to going back to work. Despite the epiphany of creative industries that I had the last 2 or 3 weeks I’m slowly realizing that the most important thing I value when it comes to work is not so much what I do but what I become. Who I become. My well-being and the well-being of others who interact with me. It is the same as my artistic pursuits. I have not fully determined my pace to pursue them because I feel it is pointless to pursue them alone. Nobody to share them with.
When Zeteo was alive, it was clear. The goal was distinct. Like a definite call from You to set up a foundation for young people who wanted to pursue the arts. But it has all been elusive and what I’ve done for the past 3 years feels pointless because we have not moved much from where we started. I think about these memories again because I am getting the feeling that until I work for You I will never be completely fulfilled.
When I volunteered as a youth adviser for one full year without remuneration, I didn’t mind. But I took pride in what I did. I knew I was making a difference in people’s lives. I knew I was aligned to your will. But now, all this stress. All this toxicity and selfish ambition, is it all worth it?
My parents are both graduates of MBA. They are successful in their field. But when I look at them the past week, I am not so sure if they’re entirely happy with what they have achieved. Their lives. Their marriage. Again, the fearful question. Do I want to always just work safely on the sidelines earning a monthly income but feeling so unfulfilled with what I do?
There must be more than this Beloved. And I pray that you open my eyes to what is before me. Help me see what opportunities I can move into. You know the desires of my heart. Show me what you want me to do.
Love,
Soleil
Dear Beloved,
Yesterday’s worship was amazing. I cannot describe it. I cannot fully wrap my mind around it. I felt nervous. I felt excited. I felt like I worshipped you that way you really want me to worship you. On the keys. Singing a song that came from my heart and letting the tears fall as I proclaimed my faith in You.
I was not conscious of anything else. I didn’t care if people didn’t like my voice or if my hair was already covering my face or if my tears were blinding my eyes I could barely read what I wrote. I didn’t care if I was a decade older than these people. I didn’t care if I gained 20 pounds since the day I started serving youth ministry. I didn’t care.
Because all that mattered was You. That I was awakened to You and by You. I wanted to meet You closer. I wanted to be awakened to the truth that You are indeed so near to me than my own heart.
Yesterday was the closest I ever got to it.
Seeing Javi worship You with his whole self was also witnessing You move in others and how Your love and your strength empowers a broken and wounded soul to utter words that broke down walls of unbelief. It was powerful.
I wanted to stay in that moment forever. Receiving Your shekinah glory. That quiet. That stillness. That overwhelming certainty that I do not have to move or do anything to be loved. You gave me that yesterday. You gave us all that yesterday.
I move into another week and it is bound to start with more issues. Help me carry Your love all throughout. Send me an angel to remind me of what matters most.
Love,
Soleil
